Job Well Done!

I know, I know, I am still writing about my parents....I thought I was done. In the group that I am a part of, we talk alot about humility, letting go of expectations, thinking of others instead of self. It's what can make us better people. I believe it can and will. I was not a humble child, although I was insecure and not confident. Those kinds of feelings can result in acting boastful, angry and impatient. I was also intolerant and easily bored. Taking care of my Mother was an exercise in patience,tolerance,and humility. (I wrote much about that in my prior blog "Turnabout is Fair Play".) Sometimes when I do something good, or take the time to help someone,in those moments when I am able to put my needs and wants aside, I have to think to myself that my Mom was a teacher for me until the end of her life. Job well done Mom. I cannot thank you enough. Or maybe I can by simply doing the right thing.

Wish List: Compassion

I remember how very sad my Dad was when his last male friend died....he kept saying that he couldn't get over that D.L. was gone. I said,"yes,yes..." All the time thinking "jeez, the guy was 93, how long can people go on?" I don't think it was in a really mean way, just not really understanding how deep those feelings of loss and sadness were. I also remember my Mom saying that "When one out lives their friends and family, one wonders why they are still around." We would roll our eyes and just wonder why she couldn't appreciate just being here, being alive. Two weeks ago, we lost a friend who died rather quickly after his diagnosis from metastized melanoma. He was gracious and courageous until the end. My husband had found a good (accepting) friendship. He feels the loss more than I do. We don't have alot of friendships in our lives that are 100% accepting of who we are. Where finances, backgrounds and our own foibles are overlooked. When I think about our friend I have anger, that he is gone, that we didn't get to know him longer. Arnie,I think, has a mixture of sadness and admiration....I think. This weekend we have 2 friends in the hospital. One will be fine, the other at 88, I am not so sure. I think that at his age, he and his wife,also 88 with a fair amount of dementia may be forced to make some lifestyle changes. Which may entail moving them away from being our closest neighbor. That would be a big loss too. I have friends that lost parents and spouses this summer.I have a friend who is recovering from breast cancer, a friend caring for her grandson with cancer, another with a diagnosis of cancer. Life changes. Some of us remain. We go to the doctor more often. We are changing. I wish I had understood more and realized that sadness of loss that parents had and been more compassionate. I am beginning to understand because I think I am starting to go into that tunnel myself. Put compassion on your wish list. It is better to have it sooner than later.

Oh creative muse, where are you?

I wonder what happened to that muse that kept me going during the last 3 or 4 years. I can't seem to get anything going these days. I order stones, I look at things that used to delight me...I just can't feel it. I don't like anything I have come up with of late. I branched out and did 3 paintings this summer...that was good. Instead of the rush to the finish that was my painting style in years past, I took my time and painted, and painted, and "dinked" around with it, fiddling with this thing and that.I was pleased with the results. My jewelry, not so much...I just don't like much of anything. I can't decide if I do any shows this fall or not. I want that Divine Creative Spark to visit me again and soon...it more addictive and exhilarating than any drug ever invented. Today is the 8 month anniversary of my Mother's passing. Is it really possible I am still inhibited by grief? Who knows.

Some things never change!

I returned last night from a trip to the city where I was born. I went there to spend time with 2 people who have been consistantly important in my life. My cousin Karin is about a year younger than me, and my Aunt Bonnie, was the wife of my uncle for 18 years. From the time we met her, around age 20 (her, we must have been 5 and 6?) she has been the person we wanted to be. For a number of reasons Karin and I had wanted to spend time, "just the 3 of us" at this point in our lives. It was possible for all of us to do this last week. There is much to say about how wonderful this was. My blog today is about the feelings that driving around Cleveland Heights brought up. Many of the buildings and streets were the same! It makes me feel grounded and happy and amazed. I love the fact that buildings are not knocked down so that boring places are built there instead. Even the new Casino is housed in the former Higbee Department store downtown. I was excited to see the Cedar-Lee movie theater lobby was THE SAME! Sure the carpet has been replaced and the walls painted, but that lobby is the same as when I went there over 50 years ago! The original theater is the same one, but in cut in two. The stairs as steep as ever, the "make out" balcony: still there too. The newer theaters are in the old Clarks restaurant. The Cleveland Art Museum, still greets one with Rodin's bronze "The Thinker". It all validates who I am somehow....I am affirming that this was all real, I was there, I existed in a time and place that I loved!

My Legacy

In kind of an attempt to clarify the musings of yesterday, what is my Legacy? I really have come to the realization that anything material is unimportant when I am gone. Not my art, my house, my jewelry....my stuff. That does not mean that I don't enjoy the things I own, I do. I love the "things" I have, but the older I get, the more I see I can get by without them. I have never seen anything that was more beautiful to me (other than my grand baby!) than the Tetons by horseback! Of course, I have not been everywhere. My legacy is only in the values I may have instilled in my children, my grand-daughter, and those daughter-women that I sponsor in my program. The smallest bits of kindness, tolerance, and right actions are all I will have of value. If life has meaning at all, it is in service to others. I don't think accomplishments are greater than that. Even the most respected religious leader serves their Higher Power and their flock.Our favorite actors, artists, musicians are those that make our own hearts and lives fuller just by seeing, hearing, and provoking our minds. I feel these things deeply today,right now. I hope I still embrace this tomorrow instead wishing I had a new car. This is part of my human condition, no? I don't want to sound preachy, just kind of unemcumbered.

The beet goes on..........

I know, pretty silly, but life does go on and I am still hanging out in my head many times. It has only been 6 months and 5 days since my Mom died. I have come to an interesting conclusion regarding "stuff". It is mostly baggage. Why do I say this? When one is gone, the "things" that we loved are another's "quandry" when we are gone. I don't mean that my Mother's "things" weren't appreciated. Those who read my other blog (Turnabout is Fair Play) know how hard it was for me to clean the room that was hers. Other family members chose pieces that were important and meaningful to them. Now I have things that I truely do not know what to do with, but feel guilty parting with because they were so important to my Mother. For example, her Mother's chair, which she says was specially made for her because she was so small. Her Father's desk, which is a dark wood upright with a drop front. It was not a desk that he brought from his original home, but bought later. She kept it when he passed and it was important to her, none of these fit into my home but I don't want to get rid of them. Lets not even go into the Swarovski crystal pieces that are in small display cases in her room. I find myself really cleaning out all kinds of my own things. I don't want my children to have say "I know she loved this, but what do we do with it." I can't imagine making any moves at my age with the amount of stuff that we have... and I guess the best part of that is: I don't have to do anything today. That is a relief. I am now leaving the danger zone of my mind.